It has been a while since I have posted anything. My apologies. Well Monday (today is Friday now) I called the doctor's office and got the verdict of my bloodwork. Apparently despite the good sized follicle I had developed, I did not ovulate. I was on the final/highest dosage of Clomid... which to be honest makes me wonder if there is really anything out there that is going to help me. Frustrating is a not a fair word to use to describe all of this. I do try to continue to be optimistic, but sometimes it literally makes me feel like it takes everything that I have to accomplish that. Going through this makes one take a look at themselves and wonder why. Why is it that God made all of this part of his plan? Is there something that I did to not deserve the desires of my heart? Is there something that he is protecting a little angel from or protecting us from? It makes me take a look at every aspect of my life, even from when I was a little girl praying that one day I be a wonderful mother. Now I am just praying to even become a mother. How ironic is that? I try not to throw myself a pity party, but I do feel these are fair questions. These are the things I think and ponder while try to fall asleep. And then something so wonderful came to me. My Grandpa, my hero, rock, everything I looked up to, passed away August 06, 2007. Tonight he came to me in a dream. In my dream we were celebrating our brithdays (His was May 24th and mine is May 25th) and we were all singing Happy Birthday to him. I couldn't help but wrap my arms so tightly around him and hug with tears streaming down my face. He kissed me on top of my head and tells me, "Everything is going to be ok." Then I wake up, crying. And I know that he meant it, everything really is going to be ok. Everything will happen all in good time and when it does it is going to feel like the whole world has stopped moving and heaven has come to earth!
< 3 Janice
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